Friday, February 1, 2013

You can do it

I read phrases like that all the time. I like to think that I also believe in myself enough that I really can do things on my own. But have I really been doing what I thought I could do? Hmmmm.

Now is the perfect time for me to resurrect gnarManda. I just spent five days on the road traveling from California back to upstate New York. Why would I leave such a majestic paradise?

If you’ve read any of my previous posts you know I was infatuated with Lake Tahoe and its entire splendor. I have many reasons for leaving and I just trust that it was the right decision for me at the right time. And timing is everything? Don’t you think? (I also have another post brewing in my head for that topic as well…)

I’d like to launch this next segment of gnarManda (it’s been nearly 15 months from my last post) by sharing some perspective I’ve gained over the past two months. It also comes full circle with where I've currently landed.

At one time I had a very serious boyfriend (VSB) who tried to convince me that I was doing everything I wanted on my own but he was actually twisting the truth.

I’m the type of person who tries to be independent, solid and moral. Decision making is not one of my best attributes, but for the most part I feel like the decisions I’ve made have been the right ones for me at the right time.

I like to think I have a good moral compass; I am compassionate for others and very thoughtful. When I was with VSB (on and off for five years) there were times things didn’t line up right.
I heard things like:
you won’t be able to make the long drive all by yourself
I know you and you’re going to struggle with the transition
you’re not going to be able to pack all of your things up yourself
Followed by:
you need me to help you get there
just let me take care of it for you since I know what’s best and can just do this for you
I am the one responsible for helping make all of this happen

I started to believe what he said. Thinking back, I am shocked I let myself veer down that road. My gut was telling me something didn’t feel right. This man who "loved me" wasn’t giving me the honest, genuine and true support he was advertising. He was wearing me down and convincing me I needed him in order to make my decisions and my future. Even then, when I thought I had a lot of strength and insight into the world, I doubted the power inside of me to be able to do what would be right for me. I was led astray by a man who wanted me to be dependent on him. And I started to believe I couldn’t do it on my own and needed his help to succeed and fulfill my dreams.

The power of reflecting to ask the right questions, look for signs, spend time thinking through decisions and listen to my internal voice for the answers. I found it! 

MY REVELATION: I truly believe all of the answers lie within myself. I’ve finally come full circle and found out that I can do anything. It’s not just a saying. I really can.

I made the decision to put my career ahead of my lifestyle, but promised myself to keep my heart and head grounded, at least for a year or two. Opportunities seem to come and go, and I had to take this one - for me. I packed up my entire Truckee life and carted it all back across the entire US - on my own.

I DID IT!

Along the way I realized I am blessed with so much love, strength and inspiration overflowing around me. I feel whole, confident and in my place. I am scared about what’s around the next corner and feel a deep sadness about leaving paradise but I know I will be back. It’s a magical place. Lake Tahoe isn’t going anywhere.

As my friend LK says “I’ve been here fro 10 years and it doesn’t change. It will be right here waiting for you when you come back!”

I don’t have to be afraid because I know my heart is in California and I eventually will be as well.

I don’t need anyone else to help me live the life I’m here to enjoy. It’s all me. And I know I can do it.

*Please note my best friend MM told me today I am dramatic, so when it comes to sappy posts, this is one of them. Be advised. I just needed to get it out of my system…

xoxo

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

inspire

Ahhh, yes. I have no good excuse for my summer blackout period. Simply put, I guess I was lazy about writing. Maybe I was just caught up taking everything in, or perhaps my time was occupied by new adventures, great people and weather like I've only seen in movies. My biggest fear about starting this up again - because I've been thinking about it for a week or so now - was having to re-trace those summer steps or give some sort of wrap-up. Well, I really don't want to, so for now, I'm not going to. I'm going to bring you right back into the present, which was actually a big present to myself.

I took a short hike with my friend Mariah tonight after work. We drove up to the top of Tahoe Donner (where we both work) and decided to walk out the trail on Glacier Way. I had been out there with Henry a few weeks before, but only out to the Donner Lake viewpoint. Tonight we opted to hike out to the Negro Canyon overlook. We also headed out late - around 6ish, so the sun was setting and the moon was rising.

To top it all off, it was a full moon, so we watched the large white disc rise over pink skies. It's funny how sunsets just get better and better. Tonight's was no exception. We got out to the overlook and the world just opened up. I swear the sky was lavender with buttercup and orange hues. The jagged Pacific Crest Trail cut through the light shaded canvas. It was a double rainbow moment for me. Snow crunched below our feet in a few places and the air was a little brisk. On our walk back I stopped, turned around and saw a blazing orange sky - a rich shade of pumpkin - one that I have never, ever seen before, blanketed against the range. On our walk back down the trail on the moonlit path, although neither of us came out and said it, I'm pretty sure we were both feeling genuine appreciation for that shared experience, the opportunity to live in such a beautiful place, and the true chance of encountering such beautiful works of magic at the most random times. Neither of us expect to see such a painted sky on our simple, unplanned hike after work.

On my drive home I started thinking about how things just happen. My journey brought me here and I still have so many places to explore, people to connect with and things to see. Tonight was my inspiration.

I am soooooooooooooo incredibly stoked for the ski season. I am giddy to be able to be here and do something I absolutely love. I went to a movie premiere on Friday at Squaw Valley, and watched with new eyes. Especially the slaying of powder and the bond between folks on the mountain. I remember watching those movies before the season at home in NY and dreaming of taking my big ski vacation out west. This year my grin was double its normal size and lasted the entire show. I'm not sure if it was because the pros from the movie were sitting in the fourth row just a few seats down from me or because my reality is: right now Tahoe is my own backyard. I'm living the dream. I wanted to pinch myself right then and there. Yes, it's true. I am going to be able to just live it and ski epic terrain - like EVERY weekend and hopefully a few powder days. It's so exciting. It was also the boost and wake-up call I needed to get my ass in gear to start a strength training program - which was one of my reasons for the hike tonight, actually.

Anyway, this is me checking in again. I'm still in Truckee. I'm enjoying each day. I am trying to live in the moment and put my heart and soul into finding happiness in simplicity. Until the next time...xoxo

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Trains, American Pride, Floaties, Summer Turns

Random GnarManda thoughts...scattered this evening, but it's been a while so I figured I would stream randomness...

I hear the trains before I fall asleep at night. It's a western thing.

For the first time ever I helped create a parade float, a daunting task, but in the end so much fun and a crafty way to meet and get to know some of my co-workers. I also walked in my first parade and I am glad I waited for the Truckee Fourth of July to make my first appearance. I have never seen anything like it. Crowds 20 people deep. Thousands of children clustered together. The entire town waving flags, wearing red, white and blue. I felt like a true American. I also made a mental note to keep an eye out for all things "Americana" for next year's outfit.

And we found out today that our float won first place in the commercial division. That's a pretty big deal. Props to the Tahoe Donner team, and Mariah - the leader of the float-building pack - and my new buddy.

I call them tubes but here they are called floaties, or at least that's what my friend Lilian from Brazil says. I spent three afternoons floating on Donner Lake with my new friend Lilian. We met for a bike ride and dinner last week, and snap - we just hit it off. But back to the floating - it's a lifestyle here. I couldn't be happier with a cold beer, sun hat, sunglasses, bikini, sunscreen and great company. I am continuing to meet people I connect with and build friendships. Slowly, but surely.

Skiing in July? That's how we do it in Tahoe after one of the biggest snowfalls in decades. Three runs at Alpine Meadows early Sunday morning with a guy who paid me a compliment at the end of the day. "I was impressed, you're actually a good skier. I wasn't sure what to expect." ha ha ha. I think some kids grow up skiing big mountains out here don't know much about how big Whiteface is...or how steep and challenging it is. It was a solid training ground for me. (I am probably my toughest critic and have set high standards for how gnarly I want to get next season, but that's another story.) So, back to summer skiing - it was hot and sticky, but oh so fun. I wish my back was stonger. I'm having difficulty with it lately, but hope to get into a routine soon to build it back up for next season.

It was a nice day. I am going to leave it at that. The $3 PBR on the deck at 9:43 a.m. was a first, as was the beer at the River Ranch - one of the coolest bars/restaurants I've ever been to with priceless conversation which led to me getting caught up in the moment.

My list of "firsts" keeps growing and I smile as each day starts fresh. I keep forgetting how lucky I am. I know it will wear off, but I catch myself feeling like I am living a dream. Of course I have bills to pay, frustrations at work sometimes, I get lonely and homesick - but all in all, I am living my dream. Wow.

So, another month has passed and my feet are grounded. *sigh*

xoxo

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Summer Solstice

6.21
Both numbers are multiples of three. I am celebrating my three month anniversary of employment at Tahoe Donner today. I love the number three. Is it a coincidence? Perhaps.

It is hard to look back at my last post and put myself back in time. I should have trusted in the people around me that life would change, and yes, this is probably going to be one of the best summers of my life.

Everything is different in California. It is insane. I know I keep stressing this, but I honestly don't consider myself a hard core New Yorker. More of an upstate type, or even better, a New Englander - since I went to college and spent most of my formative years there. But when it comes to summer, sunshine and blue sky, i have never, ever, in my entire life experienced what a Tahoe summer is. Sure, I heard it over and over again, but each turn is different, and filled with more surprises.

I always have these "ah hah" moments, and I love them. I was driving home from work last night, sun beaming away. Windows down and music cranking, and I drove into old town Truckee. As I approached the stop sign - on my normal work commute route - i looked to my left at the town and had a strange, sinking feeling. Like one of those creepers that just felt like home. It honestly scared the sh*t out of me. In fact, I stopped and was like "really, Amanda, is this happening?" and felt a rush of "oooooh, this is starting to feel like home, i could get used to this" almost stop me dead in my tracks.

Maybe "ah-hah" moments are not the best way to describe them, but for me, it's an unfamiliar circumstance that is some sort of guidance tool to help me keep on facing forward and continuing on and putting one foot in front of the other.

BBQs, cowboys, binkini's, the beach, pbr, sunsets, relaxation...soaking it all up. it's shocking. i see hints of east coast amanda shine through on a constant basis. but they also say that you can't change who you are. i am just absorbing all that i can, focusing on myself, and putting one foot in front of the next.

xo

Sunday, June 5, 2011

I hear the drizzle of the rain

"I hear the drizzle of the rain. Like a memory it falls. Soft and warm continuing. Tapping on my roof and walls."

And so it is Sunday. I find myself humming that tune each time it rains. I have dissected so many great lines from that song through the years. The lyrics provide me with some comfort through many different times.

I jinxed myself with my last post. I took the sunshine for granted, and am begging her to come back! I love snow. I love skiing. My favorite thing in the entire world --see first post -- is to spend the evening outside listening to the snow fall in tall pine trees. Snow in June does not make me happy. I am still feeling out how to describe what it's like to see snow when I am used to lush green gardens, tulips and spring. I yearn for a Saturday morning stroll through the public market, making fresh salsa and entertaining friends. I keep hearing that summer will keep me in Tahoe, and I am waiting, patiently, to see if that will be true.

My three month anniversary is soon approaching. My roller coaster ride has started to smooth out and I am slowly finding my way. The transition was a challenge. But the homesickness is a knock em out drag em down type of melancholy. When I think of exactly how far away from home I am, I immediately force myself to stop. I shut it off and put it away inside. I must keep looking forward. I must keep my focus and realize that I am doing what most dream of. Sure, there are sacrifices, but I put my trust in each step along my new path.

I am looking inward, and sometimes just confirming details about myself I already knew. I am growing stronger and embracing the good and the bad.

I don't know. Life never happens as you think it should. I know about my expectations and sometimes need to just let go. Find my balance.

The people and relationships I've made thus far are the most challenging, but most rewarding. I find that is true everywhere though. I love being back in the ski industry at a job that affords me the opportunity to share my creative mind, makes me think and forces me to learn new things. It is a great match and I consider myself so very lucky to have landed there. I guess everything else will just fall into place.

Today I made a list of all the territory I want to cover while I'm on the left coast. It is quite long, and I'm still asking around for the secret spots.

And so I sit in bed listening to the drizzle of the rain on the rooftop above me. I am dying for summer to get here and the fun to begin. I was told today that there is no "hoping" it will happen. He "guaranteed" it would! That made me smile...

xoxo

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sunshine

I was driving down the road today thinking that my friend Hamilton was right. Sunshine makes the world (and my world) a better place. I have one window in my bedroom, and each morning I push the curtains aside and raise the blinds knowing that most likely I am going to see sunshine and blue sky. It forces me to cut back on the snooze action, and something inside just feels good. I smile. Another beautiful day filled with sunshine. I keep thinking this base is going to drop out from under me, but I physically and mentally feel so much better here. Is it because everything is new and an adventure? I'm not sure. Is it because I have a fresh start and a new perspective? Maybe. But it just feels good.

Who would have thought?

I want to bottle it up. I want it to last forever. I feel as if I'm just scratching the surface. Chipping away at the base of the money spot. It's exciting. For sure!

So I wanted to post something today - even if it really is about nothing. Now it's time to get outside and play with Henry!
xoxo

Friday, April 15, 2011

gnarManda Spice

I have officially landed in Cali.
Here is the latest fix of gnarManda spice.

1.) I fully realized my complete love for frozen chocolate before bed. (It has become my ulitmate indulgence.)
2.) I believe that you never know the world, or yourself, until you decide to make an conscious effort to step outside of your comfort box and let things unfold.
3.) "Let things unfold" has become my personal phrase every day, as well as "live each day as it comes." I often ask myself how I was able to transform into this type of woman, after all the years of the opposite? It is my destiny. At least for now.
4.) Chillax is a commonly used term here in Cali.
Life revolves around "chillax-in".
Good things are "tight" or "hella good."
Bad things are "jenky."
I hear "right on, rad, dude, totally, for sure" all the time, and have actually adapted my slang to include local terms. It's not "hello, how are you today," but rather "hey, how's it goin?"
5.)People love to hug the left lane in Cali. I was told that the right lane is the passing lane here. It has been tricky to figure out on my own.

At first I was consumed by trying to figure out what i thought was "passive/aggressiveness" but now i just realize it is a way of life here. And, reading between the lines is a bonus. Taking care of business, and making sure things get done are two things that are completely respected and admired here.

The beauty completely ROCKS my world beyond any previous expectations. It is nothing like Jackson. They are apples to oranges. But the whole vibe and "living the dream" attitude continues to amaze me each and every day. I wake up smiling at the sunshine, gazing out over the tallest pine trees i have ever seen. The mountais have become pillars in the everday scenery. I can not wait for float trips, and seeing the California stars from my sleeping bag, next to some california mountain man.

My dream is me right and I welcome it with open arms, and a naturally full smile. Life is good. Bring it on, keep it coming, :)
xoxo
ab