dreams -- to follow or not to follow --

I have been thinking lately about how my dreams have changed through different periods of my life. I'm not talking about what happens when I sleep - I took a dream analysis course in college and will probably touch on that later at some point - but dreams as in what you imagine your life to be.

When I was young all I wanted to be was older. I wanted to be a teenager with a late curfew with a bad ass boyfriend. I never wanted to ride ponies or be a beauty queen.
In high school my dream was to go on Phish tour, but I never did. I saw plenty of shows, but never did the full tour. I have been wondering lately if I would be different today had I gone on tour as a 16 year old. Who knows...

I stayed on track, worked summer jobs to save money and went immediately to a four year University to get my degree.

In college, and I guess since then, I thought a lot about settling down. Planning the fairy tale wedding, finding someone to be with, and fulfilling the "white picket fence" dream. That lasted for a long time.

Now I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under me and I am hovering over the spot where I have to choose to land and set off running. I have circled back?

This dream is painted with rugged mountains, endless stars, float trips, camping, sunsets and exploration. This is my dream. I experienced an unbelievable ah hah moment driving down Curtis Canyon on a trip out to Jackson Hole in August. It was one of those days you read about - sunny and absolutely beauteous. We hiked up to a beatiful glacier lake and it was what I call a "decompression day". (On all of my trips out to Jackson it takes me a little bit of time to adjust to the nature and lifestyle of the place. The beauty is overwhelming and the pace is much more relaxed and slower than the hustle and bustle of east coast livin'.)

I was sweaty from hiking and exhausted. As I kicked back in the passenger seat I looked across the valley to The Grand in the distance and something inside me shifted. Eddie Vedder was crooning one of his Into the Wild songs and THE moment grabbed me. This is now. This is here. This is it. And then a joyous giggle, expansive smile and internal calmness escaped me. Contentment. Purity. Simplicity. Happiness. My universe shifted and I remember the minute it did.

So now, I think my dreams are showing and guiding me to new places. A different focus from all things Amanda. Amanda thus far has constantly included roadmaps, travel vouchers, hotel reservations and concierge service. I have been wondering if my sleeping bag, bathing suit, headlamp, hiking shoes and journal are enough. Do I need to be set free?

Every dollar counts. And every morning hurts. We mostly work to live. Until we live to work. She said "you know there's nowhere else to go" but changing roles it struck me that the two of us could run." ~ Vampire Weekend

So mapping out my dream timeline:
Childhood - dream to be older
High School - dream to be free
College - dream to be married
20s - dream to be married
30s - dream to be free

It makes me smile to think of change and dreams in such simplistic ways.

I was offered a wonderful piece of advice last week.

Following your dreams is the most responsible thing you can ever do.

Thanks, it is definitely not an easy thing to do. But I am getting closer to finding my landing pad and setting off to run...

all things gnarManda

Breaking the ice. Am I really borrowing one of my favorite facebook fwd exercises as the start to this brand spankin' new blog? The token: get to know your friends better by listing things about yourself, tagging them, then ask them to do the same and tag you back?
Yes, I am.
But I'm not tagging anyone, nor am I asking anyone to reciprocate.
Two years ago I compiled that list and enjoyed it. Tonight, as I sit freezing my butt off (it's been the coldest day on record in the good old Roc) I compile an abbreviated list as my first entry. My girlfriends have offered advice for my recent spewing of words and new ideas:Write it all down. Well here goes.
10 things gnarManda:
1.) I seek inspiration everywhere. I strive to live a rich, fulfilling life where I am constantly inspired and challenged, but content.
2.) I am obsessed with movies. I enjoy them because I get to escape into another world for a few hours.
3.) I am a music junkie. I live to find new music that moves me and I connect with. I make kick ass mixes and love trading music.
4.) I appreciate cold winter evenings surrounded by swirling snowflakes silently falling on tall pine trees. Nights like that make me smile.
5.) Laughter IS the best medicine - for anything and everything. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. *
6.) Eyes are the windows to your soul and are my favorite by far...
7.) Someone recently told me you live here now, not there. live where you are. I am still thinking that through, but that perspective is very fitting for me in this moment.
8.) I often wonder why I am here. Where is my place? How do I be my own best self?
9.) Skiers are my weakness. So are Happy Meals, PBR cans, superb bedding and vanilla soft serve.
10.) I believe in ah hah moments, love at first sight, fate, destiny, Karma, the notion that things happen as they should and random encounters might not actually be so random.
So, that's a little gnarManda spice for ya. There will be plenty more. In unexplainable directions of randomness.

Night.

* This is how it works. You're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe until their dying breath. ~ On the Radio - Regina Spektor