I read phrases like that all the time. I like to think that I also believe in myself enough that I really can do things on my own. But have I really been doing what I thought I could do? Hmmmm.
Now is the perfect time for me to resurrect gnarManda. I just spent five days on the road traveling from California back to upstate New York
If you’ve read any of my previous posts you know I was infatuated with Lake Tahoe and its entire splendor. I have many reasons for leaving and I just trust that it was the right decision for me at the right time. And timing is everything? Don’t you think? (I also have another post brewing in my head for that topic as well…)
I’d like to launch this next segment of gnarManda (it’s been nearly 15 months from my last post) by sharing some perspective I’ve gained over the past two months. It also comes full circle with where I've currently landed.
At one time I had a very serious boyfriend (VSB) who tried to convince me that I was doing everything I wanted on my own but he was actually twisting the truth.
I’m the type of person who tries to be independent, solid and moral. Decision making is not one of my best attributes, but for the most part I feel like the decisions I’ve made have been the right ones for me at the right time.
I like to think I have a good moral compass; I am compassionate for others and very thoughtful. When I was with VSB (on and off for five years) there were times things didn’t line up right.
I heard things like:
you won’t be able to make the long drive all by yourself
I know you and you’re going to struggle with the transition
you’re not going to be able to pack all of your things up yourself
Followed by:
you need me to help you get there
just let me take care of it for you since I know what’s best and can just do this for you
I am the one responsible for helping make all of this happen
I started to believe what he said. Thinking back, I am shocked I let myself veer down that road. My gut was telling me something didn’t feel right. This man who "loved me" wasn’t giving me the honest, genuine and true support he was advertising. He was wearing me down and convincing me I needed him in order to make my decisions and my future. Even then, when I thought I had a lot of strength and insight into the world, I doubted the power inside of me to be able to do what would be right for me. I was led astray by a man who wanted me to be dependent on him. And I started to believe I couldn’t do it on my own and needed his help to succeed and fulfill my dreams.
The power of reflecting to ask the right questions, look for signs, spend time thinking through decisions and listen to my internal voice for the answers. I found it!
MY REVELATION: I truly believe all of the answers lie within myself. I’ve finally come full circle and found out that I can do anything. It’s not just a saying. I really can.
I made the decision to put my career ahead of my lifestyle, but promised myself to keep my heart and head grounded, at least for a year or two. Opportunities seem to come and go, and I had to take this one - for me. I packed up my entire Truckee life and carted it all back across the entire US -
I DID IT!
Along the way I realized I am blessed with so much love, strength and inspiration overflowing around me. I feel whole, confident and in my place. I am scared about what’s around the next corner and feel a deep sadness about leaving paradise but I know I will be back. It’s a magical place. Lake Tahoe isn’t going anywhere.
As my friend LK says “I’ve been here fro 10 years and it doesn’t change. It will be right here waiting for you when you come back!”
I don’t have to be afraid because I know my heart is in California and I eventually will be as well.
I don’t need anyone else to help me live the life I’m here to enjoy. It’s all me. And I know I can do it.
*Please note my best friend MM told me today I am dramatic, so when it comes to sappy posts, this is one of them. Be advised. I just needed to get it out of my system…
xoxo
